“How are you doing?” — is arguably one of the most difficult questions to ever answer. Either you bite your tongue with one awkward smile and say things are great when it really isn’t or risk people’s judgments when you let it all out. And I don’t know what made me think I want people, strangers no less, to acknowledge how I am doing. Sometimes my thoughts just don’t make sense; they overlap and overturn, yet I do them anyway.
If you want the short answer, then, hey, you may stop reading at this point because I sure am fine.
But if you’re genuinely interested to know how things have been in this little scribbler’s head, thank you for taking an interest in my life. Although I can’t say I am not wondering why you’d put yourself through hundreds of words-worth of rambling and gibberish talking, I do appreciate you being here for me.
Again, I don’t know what made me think this is a good idea, updating people on the internet about my existence like it’s their business. Plus, I think it’s very optimistic of me to assume that someone would even bat an eye and care. But what the hell; watch me narcissistically talk about it. Albeit, thinking this should only be a one-time thing.
Where do I even start? I’ve spent the last four years of my life writing about so many things but never once was it about acting like a starlet and posting a blog about my current whereabouts. Besides, things are going so well in my little world despite the noticeable upheaval in the real one. I honestly can’t complain, and the neurotic that I am is starting to get a little suspicious. I’d say I’d pass as a morally gray character in a book—neither bad nor good— but I don’t think I can enjoy good things without worrying it might soon lead to a disaster.
This, probably, is my bare continuum. The endless thought that good things don’t belong to me or that I am undeserving. With the right amount of “I don’t try or do enough” on the side. Here’s me, finding a problem where there isn’t; perhaps because that’s where I thrive? I am not even sure anymore. I try to be as cool as a cucumber, but I guess my brain has extra cortisol to spare.
But hey, you can cut me some slack; I’ve been mostly well mentally and emotionally. It’s that I worry a lot.
If I ever break away from this, count on me to let you know.
But, let’s circle back to how things have been so well. To my new beginnings—oh, I can’t help but out a sigh. Not out of depletion or anything negative, but because I have no words to describe how overwhelmingly incredible they all have been. It’s not clear whether this feeling was birthed only recently or had I not been counting my blessings enough.
In early August, I started a new job. It isn’t as huge as what I had in my previous company, but I’d lie if I said I am not happy here. Everything’s—unfamiliar, and yet I belong.
Though I’d like to point out that I don’t have any shade to throw at my previous employer because I’m genuinely grateful for the last three years. They shaped me into a strong-willed person I never thought I could be. I had never felt them doubt my capabilities or potential when I spent all my life thinking about how small of a person I am. It was beyond my grasp how and what they’ve seen in me, promoted me nonetheless. I utterly couldn’t even begin to enumerate how many incredible doors have opened for me because of them. For that, I am thankful.
Still, I need to let you in a little secret. I am not proud of this, but a day or two after starting my new job, I found myself breaking down in one of the bathroom stalls for reasons that are rather silly. I started questioning whether I was good enough for the team because I couldn’t get a revision task on the first try.
Sure it sounds crazy now, but I haven’t really thought of how much burden I had put on myself only two days after starting a new job during those moments. I haven’t even given myself room to adjust. Good grief, perfectionism truly is my self-sabotage.
But I’ve been here for over a month now, and I have been adjusting really well. Most of the people I work with are amusing and likable; they make me feel welcome. I don’t feel like I need to really walk on eggshells when I’m with them.
And have I told you about how remarkable our manager is? She truly is a wonderful person—that makes two; I’ve had two fantastic managers in my entire career. Just how luckier could I get.
Also, I just remembered why I suddenly thought of sharing a life update here. I wrote my first article for my new employer, and it’s the very first article with my byline! You know, if we don’t count this personal blog. I feel so elated that I thought I needed to share.
This really isn’t much, but it came from me. If you have the time, I’ll include its link for you to read.
Well, I guess we’ve reached the bottom of this irrelevant life update. I sincerely wish to not do this again. But if I ever do, I hope I’ll still see you again! Thanks again for reading through the words that directly mirrored my thoughts!